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Category Archives: Introspection

Sometimes music has a weird effect on me it makes me think of things connected or completely different or it makes a weird link to something I’ve been battling and fighting at the moment. Some of it’s almost poetry for how it flows and feels, or philisophical and sometimes it’s just hurt and anger.

Enigmatic Soul – Two Steps from Hell – Epic/Orchestral

Don’t we all have enigmatic souls? Aren’t we all rarities in our own right? Despite the roar and press of the sea of humanity do we not all have our own story to tell? Our own epic to write? Indeed it is because we are all individuals that only the greatest of us are remembered for in a sea of stories a legend must by it’s nature impact stories of many, must span the width and breadth of the human experience and inspire in others great acts of courage, sacrifice and love but even then these tales are no less or more then that of the story that caused them and to smaller audiences they too will be told. So strive forth in your day to make your mark, to write your place in history, for today as on all days the legends of tomorrow are writing their opening paragraphs

Like Toy Soldiers – Eminem – Rap/ Hip Hop

This one seems weird, I’m not a huge rap listener, in fact the appropriate term form my appreciation of rap and hip hop could be described as “minimal” and even then that’s a stretch. I do listen to some Eminem and I misclicked this link from another video. I really enjoyed the song and it really got me thinking on a completely unrelated track mostly from the chorus

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

That really gets me thinking about my time in the Corps and my brothers who are still in, over there now or going over there, for what amounts to games and bullshit by our politicians in power, it doesn’t matter who’s in power republican or democrat they all have their games that they’re playing scrambling for money, power whatever it is it’s getting men and women killed whether the games are the battle itself or tying my brothers hands so they can barely fight the battle in a manner that it can be won.

We have no choice, no recourse, we signed up because we love what we have, to provide a better life for those we defend, and those who depend on us and in the end the politicians just move us around like toy soldiers in a game of Risk. We go willingly because that’s what we signed up to do, don’t ask any questions because we just have to support and back each other up no matter what but now that I’m out I can ask questions, I can ask why and I can ask what we’re really getting in trade for all the men I’ve had to bury, no matter what every funeral I was on the detail for for the Marine Corps or to funerals I attend now as a member of the Marine Corps League part of it kills me inside.

Year or two back in Yuma, we had a funeral on base in the chapel for a young Staff Sergeant. This guy was special in my mind because he was young, in his midthirties and he was out, he’d just finished his time in the Corps after a couple tours in the sand box and a long career, wanted to be with his young family more. As I came to attention at the back of the Chapel and started playing taps his little 5 maybe 6 year old daughter was leaning out from her mother’s lap up at the front and stared at me the whole time with these big blue eyes. The wars didn’t kill this Marine, cancer did, we can be struck down by almost anything at any moment and part of me then wondered, for this man who’s life was so short was the sacrifice of some of those final years and moments something he willingly gave to all of us, truly worth the value we’re getting? Is the young Lance Corporal all of 19 when he got killed in the ‘Stan, is that life worth the benefit? What is the benefit? I used to have a real argument, but I don’t know I’m burnt out and sick of watching weeping mothers and widows, watching family shake from the rifle salute like those rounds are hitting them right in the heart, having to maintain my own composure and bearing as another flag is folded.

Amaranth – Nightwish – Metal/Symphonic Metal

You can draw all sorts of messages from this song, the flower Amaranth itself has long been a symbol of eternal life but I feel Nightwish has used it for a sense of loss and memory in life and in proper response to a song focusing on a symbol of immortal life it makes me think about how temporary life is and how people especially can move through your life and the pain that can cause, especially if you’re the type of person that draws inward instead of reaching out when your hurt.

With change though comes positive and negative, in my own situation I lost something very dear to me, but I gained many new chances and opportunities to live, love and share with new people who enter and share my life with me. It’s come down that the gain in this these new chances far out weighs the pain of the loss from my past and has truly and quickly healed that wound faster then I thought it ever would.

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So as some of you might know I’m now an ordained Unitarian/Universalist chaplain* I’ve had some questions in the days since being ordained in an official enough manner that I can actually legally perform weddings, funerals and other crazy crap like that in the majority of states in the union, in fact I’m pleased to report that I’ll be wedding a lovely (though completely insane) couple in not-so-holy matrimony in Vegas this December. Why Vegas? You’d have to ask the couple, I’m just the not-so-humble/sane minister they selected to perform the wedding ceremony.

So what religion does Unitarian make me? I’m ordained through the Universal Life Church which is a Unitarian/Universalist group so there’s no help to be had in that corner, I’m also a Discordian of the Legion of Dynamic Discord and run a cabal made up of myself and a particularly lazy house cat that doesn’t even live in my house. I’m also an agnostic, which I maintain still makes perfect sense in light of all of this.

Everything Chaotically Perhaps (ECP)

So again what’s all that mean? Absolutely nothing depending on how much you want to cut through the bullshit, but I could say the same for any “valid” religion once I cut through the bullshit far enough so let’s back up a few levels and go from there.

Everything: (Unitarian/Universalist) What do you personally believe in? Congratulations you’re correct. What does the person you last talked to believe in? They’re right as well, so is everyone else on the planet no matter how disparate, odd or different from your beliefs their beliefs are, it all worships the same higher power and it’s highly doubtful that aforementioned power really thinks it’s a big deal either way.

Chaotically: (Discordia/Erisian) Order is an illusion of the human mind to try to convince itself that life is of serious import and should be taken as such. In reality things aren’t that serious and nothing is very organized at all, spend some time trying to file paper work ANYWHERE and you’ll realize that while there’s allegedly a system in place to file all of that paperwork generated in business is going on, you’ll quickly that no how dedicatedly maintained it’s completely screwed up in every way except as a pleasant concept to toy with now and then are shove off as a problem for summer interns. There are all sorts of details to go in to on Discordianism and discordian thought but if you’re that interested you can go look it up yourself and draw your own conclusions, just remember if it’s making sense you’re probably not reading actual discordian documents and you shouldn’t believe anything you read any way.

 

 

Perhaps: (Agnostic) I’ve always personally defined agnosticism as the willingness and ability to say “maybe”, or to admit you have no clue/are completely full of it. I have absolutely no clue as to the deep nature and or mysteries of the universe. It has been my observation that no one else really seems to have one either. Short a few guys who had ideas leading in those directions who’ve have been dead for awhile and been replaced with massive religious bureaucracies and power complexes, so simply put why decide?  I’d much rather sit on the porch have another beer and wait for more information then pick an erratic set of data provided to me by others.

More Detailed Fluff:

Marriage – I’ve been married once, almost got married again and I’m uniting a couple in wedded bliss in December so I’d say it’s a safe bet I believe in the institution. I don’t have any restrictions on gender, gender preference, color, etc and so forth. It’s not my business who you want to marry or why.

Divorce- Over used in our country but sometimes you just have to cut your losses

Afterlife- No comment, not enough data

Ghosts and the Paranormal: I’m a solid member and supporter of team “BS” and team Skeptic

Morality: I think right and wrong are pretty well established outside of religious norms and values at this point, personally I try to follow a mixture of two or three warrior honor codes, with a little modern common sense built In to make them more flexible/applicable to modern situations, unfortunately it’s no longer more moral or legal for me to kill a man because he offended me or the lady I happen to be with.

God/Goddess/Gods/etc ad nauseum aka a higher power as a personalized entity: The jury is out on this one and I’m out to lunch, whatever works for you works for you, don’t let anyone tell you differently. I will mention Eris/Discordia from time to time but I wouldn’t say I believe in her as a goddess so to say but rather as a personification for chaos, also on a random note I’m of the opinion Eris looks something like Helena Bonham Carter

Hope that clears everything up,

Chaplain Muddy Clearwater, PhdECP

 

Notes:

*Chaplain is the title I prefer, under unitarian guidelines there’s a ridiculus number of options to pick from including “Jedi”.

Also regarding the Ammo art project which someone emailed me about, it was to put it briefly an epic fail. I’m looking at other possible methods of working with that medium in an artistic manner now.

Memorial Day, if you’re like most Americans it’s time for a BBQ, maybe a parade, big events with your family, if you’re like me you still have to go work… and you spend the day thinking. Remembering friends you’ve had, and even individuals you’ve never known who were your brothers and sisters all the same. I feel like we’ve lost some of what Memorial Day means “woo three day weekend!” instead of the memory of those who’ve fallen. I’m not against a BBQ (probably gonna grill myself) but take a moment and reflect on the lives that have been sacrificed, willingly for us all to be where we are today and to have the freedoms we have today.

I usually turn and reflect on my experience with the Marine Corps funeral detail at my last duty station, scenic Yuma, Arizona. In the time from when I volunteered on I participated in over 20 military funerals, mostly for older veterans but for some men who fell on active duty as well. Standing in the rifle detail, firing three shots over the grave, watching those shots impact on the family, hearing each “crack” of the seven rifles as if it was a blow to the heart, and feeling that blow in my own heart. Or the few times I had the pleasure of playing taps, including an event for a young SSgt, recently discharged who after making it through everything he’d seen, had been struck down by cancer, seeing the destruction of his family, the tears streaming down as I played taps, and feeling a tear running down my own cheek, past all the bearing and discipline I could muster. The sorrow and heartbreak of the death of one of our warriors is a living wound, the price is payed in lives and for every Marine, soldier, sailor or airman lost the lives around them are shattered as well, their families and friends and their brothers in arms.

So take a moment and remember then men and women who’ve fought and died under the flag, fought and died under the colors. Remembering and honoring their memory is the least we can do for all they’ve sacrificed to give us.

Well this is going to be slow going as all hell but I figure if I lay out the plan somewhere it’ll help me to get focused and start working on it. A couple days back the act of carving names and the like on bullets came up and I had the light bulb moment “why not put poetry or a song on there? something really beautiful to directly contrast the purpose of the ammunition.” It’s been a couple days and I still like the idea so I’m just going to run with it and at least give it a shot. I’m gonna do a couple tests over the next couple days to determine if I’m going to ink/paint the rounds or “engrave” them with a dremmel tool. But first I have to see if I have the hand eye coordination to do it at all.

I’m going to try to do the following song.

Tsuki no le

Somewhere across the night sky
I can hear a voice from afar,
All you long for, all your desires
Fuel the magic and the light of the stars

I could not imagine
A world without your dreaming,
When you gaze upon me
I believe in love, so I’d like to see you through

Tucked away inside my heart
A fragile moon resides, reflecting all these feelings,
I only hope its light illuminates your path
So that you may walk on forever

When you are lost and wandering
Lift your eyes and look up above,
There’s a soft glow beyond the shadows
That will light the way and cease every woe

I will try to guide you
Remaining still beside you,
You’ll be safe from darkness,
Come away with me, I’ll answer your plea

As you slumber through the night,
The stars and I will watch, protecting you from nightmares,
And dear I swear it’s true — no harm will come to you
As long as I’m here and we’re together

Tucked away inside my heart
A fragile moon resides, reflecting all these feelings,
I only hope its light illuminates your path
So that you may walk on forever

I’m going to aim for about 30 rounds of 7.62x39mm ammunition in total, if I can fit one line a round on I should have two rounds left for spill over. Pics of the sharpie test will hopefully follow later today. The real problem is the final phase, if I get it to work, the perfect ending would be loading the magazine in order and firing them off, dunno if I could do that if I actually can complete it and put all the work in to it.

I was originally going to title this something prettier sounding “Steel and Honor”, “By the Sword” or some such nonsense but I decided to go for a reference to a badass Motorhead song “March or Die” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwuOHwrkS_4 (youtube is being stupid so just click the link).

In an effort to find new ways to work out and learn how to better kill people at the same time. Thus I have started working on learning the European sword, an endeavor I have now come to learn is part history master’s thesis, part trying to kill other people with a length of steel, all awesome… if your a history major.  Honestly it’s not that bad most of the major texts has good english translations and a number of instruction manuals have been made in several languages.

I’ve chosen to start my experience with rapier fighting, single at first then rapier and dagger. After I’ve completed those to a satisfactory level I’ll start working on a new weapon like long sword. I’m also starting work on cutlass fighting but unlike the more style and form based sword arts such as rapier, The cutlass was considered a simple, if lethal weapon, when taught by the Navy and Marine Corps circa the 1800s formal instruction lasted about three days and consisted of basic techniques, footwork and exercises. Mastery came with repeated practice with the line company and in combat.

There’s a real challenge in mastering these old techniques, a lot of the knowledge adjacent to them has been lost, the basic instructional texts don’t include the tips and tricks a master would give to his apprentice, they don’t teach the flow that should come with proper combat with the weapon. All of this has to be rediscovered by doing, by practice and by sparring. The new Masters can help bridge the gap, but every individual who puts forth effort in to these rediscovered combat forms are researching an old art and bringing it back to life with their every thrust and swing.

A brief list of weapons covered by “Western Martial Arts” or Historical Martial Arts/Fencing

Rapier

Short Sword

Cutlass

Saber (the real thing, not the modern sport fencing equivalent)

Long Sword

Broad Sword

Zweihander/Great Sword

Rifle and Bayonet

 

The list only goes long and depending on your own definition can be broad enough to include old style archery, spears, axes (considered a rough and easy to use weapon, not something that required instruction), pole arms and the famous sport of jousting. Even armored combat is studied, armor forged and combat replicated. Several styles of hand to hand are included in this and many if not all weapons forms include grappling moves in them, even in armored combat. These ancient techniques and arts are a lot of fun to learn and practice and I highly recommend everyone at least give it a shot.

Just a note: This is a collaboration with my good friend Ikki over at http://losingblonde.wordpress.com also known as “Discovering the Real World through Literature” We decided to team up and each do a perspective/review on Summer of Corruption/Apt Pupil by Stephen King.

My introduction to Summer of Corruption was a quote, that was quite simply chilling, even out of context. “Ah the schwarzen, well we know the solution don’t we boy?”. Stephen King isn’t known for writing stories that comfort or relax you either so I thought I knew what was coming when I started reading. I was on some level right but I was also very wrong.

I am a student of history, much like young Todd warfare and the military captured my imagination, unlike Todd however my focus became tactics, strategy, weapons and technology and the singular men from Privates to Generals who used these tools and gave their lives and bloods for their nations.

Even during my rather intense and focused study of World War 2 I almost instinctively avoided the stories of the Camps. Whether Japanese or German, I knew of them, how many they killed, that atrocities beyond the ken of civilized humans.

There was a branch there, that any one could take any human being, an interest in such horrors is not I think necessarily a bad thing. I would suspect many of the activists who work for groups like amnesty international held a horrified fascination of the like at one point, indeed much like watching a traffic accident no matter how these horrific deeds turn out stomachs when confronted with them, confronted with their evidence we can’t turn away.

Todd took the other path, this seemingly All American boy had what in my mind most of the world would class as a truly American virtue. Entitlement. Todd was entitled to know about these things, he wanted something therefor it should be his. To the point that he committed several crimes shadowing Mr. Denker and researching him to prove it was indeed Dussander.  That sense of entitlement, that HE is most important and to only serve his own needs, to lie and cheat and do what it takes to serve those needs. All of Todd’s interactions and behaviors point to a form of sociopathy if we take it as just that.

Even if Todd had a healthy mental state at the beginning of his association with Dussander, he truly just wanted to talk to the old man and get the stories of the camps from the source. (though the nature of many of his early questions suggests other wise) either way the stories proved that sense of entitlement, the ability to do what you please was ok, it set the limitation of race.

As Todd continues, I’d say that he went from being a pupil to being an apprentice. Dussander’s own darkness was different, more concealed behind charisma but it leaked out in his dehumanization of all those around him even people he was close to or as much of an approximation of close to as possible like Todd  again who is only referred to as “The Boy” or “Boy” through out their long association. As time goes on the same thing happens to Todd as he dehumanizes more and more people around him until he finally reaches a point at the end where his humanity completely erodes away and he exclaims “I’m king of the world!”.

I honestly wish I could read this novella with a discussion group, there’s too many subjects that the book brings up to cover in a brief piece like this. One final point though King through Todd actually makes a rather interesting observation. While reading the magazines about the war he notices lots and lots of ads for militaria. Historic items of military significance still hold a spot in the hearts of many veterans, and service men, as well as history buffs. But it raises the question, “How can we as a society and culture deride the horrors and suffering of warfare only to glory in it’s devices and trappings?” This is all the more prevalent in the modern day and age when everyone and his cousin plays Call of Duty or some other such “realistic” depiction and live combat can be seen by any one merely by switching to CNN. I’m not saying those are bad things by any stretch but it’s something to consider when we contemplate our “peaceful nature”.

Quote of the Post:

“It is good war is so horrible, else we might come to like it”

-Gen Robert E. Lee, CSA

This started off as an idle thought that turned in to a facebook status, which turned in to a massive list of things that sadly are just plain disturbing as you grow up and learn things about the universe.

The list:

1. Nala was Simba’s half sister at the very least

2. Even if Scar hadn’t managed to kill Mufasa, as soon as Simba was old enough he’d either have to kill his father or be exiled any way.

3. At their flight altitude Jasmin and Alladin would probably have passed out from oxygen deprivation

4. Also rugs are about as aerodynamic as a sail no matter how magic they are.

5. Mermaids/people are the results of drunk/hallucinating sailors seeing a species of animal called a “sea cow” in the water, or a horrifying species of dolphin that is the same color as a fresh corpse.

6. Approximately 100% of Disney’s heroines would have been killed or severely hurt for behaving the way they did in their cultures.

7. Ariel could breath in and out of water while she still had her tail… where the hell were her gills?

8. Even if Ariel could speak, why would she know english?

9. John Smith and Pocahontas both actually existed but they met when she was about 12, so either in addition to being a scum bag to the local tribe he was a pedophile, there was no relationship there

10. Raccoons are violent little sociopaths, not cute and cuddly little trouble makers who mess with pug’s brains

11. Ruby throated hummingbirds don’t live on the east coast

12. Quasimodo would have been killed at birth

13. Even if he had survived Esmerelda wouldn’t have gone near him except as part of  a screaming mob with pitchforks and torches, if she hadn’t been beaten and chased away for being a thieving gypsy

14. In reality the woodsman would have dug out Snow White’s heart the same way we pull the wishbone out of a turkey.

15. The hound would have killed and eaten the fox, or they both would have been killed by that bear

16. With his mother dead at such a young age Bambi would have either died or gotten eaten

17. Most rabbit’s don’t thump their feet like a drummer having a seizure
18. Skunks are intensely anti-social and pretty much hate everything around them

19. Meerkats are more likely to hide from warthogs then hang out with them

20. Beauty and the Beast? One word: Beastiality

21. Walt Disney was the original furry (furry = person who finds anthromorphized animals sexual attractive)

22. the 7 dwarves would likely have been, again killed at birth or been sold to the local equivalent of a side show

23. Come to think of it who in the world did the dwarves sell all those gems to?

24. Even if the Lions and other animals could speak, why would they speak english as opposed to say… swahili?

25. Flounder would have eaten Sebastian, and if he didn’t Aerial would have.

26. The gull would have eaten both of them and probably tried to eat Aerial too

27. Any one who saw signing or dancing furniture (french accent or no) would have likely been burned as a witch

28. So even if we give the anthropomorphic furniture and house hold items a pass what in the world does a tea cup grow up in to?

29. Oliver and Company would have been rounded up by the humane society and adopted or euthanized

30. Simba would have killed Kovu instantly

31. The reason lions are the kings of the jungle (Savannah) is because they kill and eat all the animals that showed up at pride rock to pay them tribute

32. Most of the animals in Robin Hood aren’t native to Britain

33. If you think about it sleeping beauty advocates rape as a way to meet women, or necrophilia depending on your point of view

34. How did Mulan cover her period?

35. there are prostitutes in several Disney films including Beauty and the Beast and Mulan
36. Belle being able to read much less reading all the time probably would have gotten her burned as a witch

37. History as any one knows or understands it no longer exists

38. Glass Slippers would shatter the second you put any weight on them especially Cinderella’s which were more glass high heels

40. Why does every species and culture on earth magically speak english?

39. For those few that don’t teaching Tarzan or Pocahontas english would have taken years, not one well placed musical montage
41. A group of gorillas do not feature a rhythm section
42. Animals do not break out in to choreographed song and dance routines

43. Most of the species in the jungle book do not coexist any where in nature

44. Most of the princesses don’t even bother getting to know their princes before running off and getting married, that usually means divorce is imminent

45.Animals can’t sew, clean or perform any other household chores

Quote of the Day:

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.”

-Walt Disney

<most of this post was redacted for various reasons, everything will become clear in time. Instead a brief poem -E>

We know the destination,

The start of the next road,

Our paths will merge together

Then takes us where we go.

I might not have fortune

Or even a single dime

But I will die a wealthy man

So long as I have you by my side

I don’t need cars or fancy things

You don’t ask for diamond rings

Simple is as simple does

And the simplest thing of all is love

I bought a new video game recently. That’s an odd way to start a post categorized as introspection but hear me out. The game is Red Dead Redemption which I purchased more or less out of appreciation for a previous Wild West themed shooter that was creatively titled “Gun”.

Now I’ve been in to that culture and period of time since I was a little kid, even today I prefer revolvers to semiautomatic pistols. I enjoy shooting older style weapons and if I could get away with it I’d use a horse as my primary mode of transportation. (god knows what they’d think of that in the parking lot on base). The game and it’s painting of that time (through the lens of a creative team lest we forget) is a reminder to me why I liked that period of time and why I some times wish I could have been born back then.

I won’t say that it was a simpler time but I related with people’s values more, you worked and provided for you and yours, minded your own business and if someone tried to deprive you of what was rightfully yours and your family you were free to introduce them to the wrong end of Mr. Sam Colt’s finest work. There were good men and bad men in the west, same as any where else. For every son-of-a-bitch vile gunslinger that walked the streets there was a man with a badge and a gun to try to put him in the ground, real law men from the local Sherriff to US Marshals and the Texas Rangers. If those folks couldn’t do it regular folk were more or less expected to be carrying weapons ranging from the atypical colt “peacemaker” to a shotgun, rifle or for the more gentlemanly or dainty amongst us the single or two shot derringer pocket pistol. If all that failed there’s nothing much in the world a bowie knife can’t solve in an efficient manner.

Everyone was responsible for and took care of themselves, that’s not so say folk didn’t look out for their neighbors and friends but no one got nursemaided either. The entire society was built on the rugged independence that has always been at the heart of the American spirit.

As I’ve grown and matured I’ve fallen more and more in line with the spiritual beliefs of the Native Americans. There was a much similar culture there as well, provide for your family and give of what you do not need. There was also a respect and stewardship for nature that both the settlers and the modern environmental movement (for the most part) lack completely. Both failed to see the spiritual power hidden within the very basic parts of nature, both fail to see nature as more then something to be conquered or more then some form of large scale museum exhibit.

That’s one of the reasons I don’t take any environmentalist who’s also against hunting seriously. Not only is hunting a perfectly legitimate way to provide food for yourself and your family, but we’ve already so destroyed the balance of nature in most of the country that now we have to hunt. We killed off the North American grey wolf in such numbers that they ceased to exist in the lower 48 states; only in the past decade has the wolf returned to the US, with two – three packs in the northern Rocky Mountains. So what does that mean? It means we killed off the apex predator for 98% of the game on this continent and if we don’t take it’s place by hunting and killing the grass eaters will over graze and in the space of a winter the herds will die in numbers that would make a forest fire seem barely damaging in comparison to the total devastation. That’s part of what modern stewardship of the environment means in my mind, helping keep balance where we have introduced disorder.

I definitely went off on a tangent there but the point in my mind remains. I was raised with the values of the old west. As I grew the values of the Native Americans grew with me. Both codes can be summed up in an old Sioux Indian motto that was taught to boys that they would know what was to be expected of them as men. “Ride hard, shoot straight and speak the truth”. However you want to interpret those words if you want to see metaphor behind them or not such values seem lost in much of our modern world, and I wish dearly that they would come back.

Quotes of the Post:

“God made man, Sam Colt made them equal”

-?

So some of you who were paying attention might have noted this small note at the end of “World Behind My Wall”. “I’m not saying the Corps isn’t handling my healthcare properly but I am saying they don’t do a very good job of even trying to understand what my issue is and why I have it.”

Well it seems like the Marine Corps is desperate to not just prove my point but prove it on the scale of invading a small island country armed only with tropical fruit and smiles….but they might have WMDs, made out of kumquats or mangoes or something.

My psychiatrist (who is trying to get me discharged and I rather like) started on the next phase of her work for that which is getting statements from my boss about my behavior in work and social environments etc and so forth. Also it’s when he’s being notified that the Captain (Naval type, equivalent to a full bird colonel, in nonmil speak it means very important, do not fuck with) is recommending in her professional medical opinion that I be discharged in a quick and efficient manner in the best interests of my health and the Marine Corps.

Logically this makes sense, the anti-depressants and depression all keep me from doing my actual job as a C-130 crew chief. It keeps me from doing it to the extent that I’ve been issued a piece of paper from the national level authority that reviews aircrew medical status a permanent “no-fly” chit. So I’m stuck doing non-essential clerical duties, I can’t get promoted, and I’m just wasting everyone’s time and tax dollars at this point, not to mention my own time which could be better spent doing… anything else.

Considering I just got a fairly irate sounding text message from my boss telling me we need to have us a little sit down apparently he disagrees with that assessment and I’m now going to get yelled at because I’m trying to look out for my health and take care of myself in a manner that’s positive for everyone involved. The Corps gets rid of some dead wood when we’re over head count and trying to reduce the numbers in the ranks any way, The taxpayer gets to stop feeding and clothing me, I get to stop dealing with this stagnant pond full of bs everyday, it works out for everyone involved. Oh well the boss is back let’s see if I get chewed or not.

*45 Minutes Later*

Well that was not what I expected in the slightest. SSgt seemed extremely understanding and supportive and was honestly doing his best to understand my issues and the stuff I’ve been working through. He was not enraged at the possibility of me getting out, in fact he agreed with the shrink’s assessment that I would not be an asset in a combat/operational environment which is the litmus test for pretty much everything in the Marine Corps. However he believed that in the environment I’m currently in (remember I hate this place with a fiery passion the likes of which would impress satan.) He also thinks that despite my social issues I do excellent work and can still be an asset to the Corps in what is ultimately not even a secretarial job. (It’s sad that being a clerk or secretary is a freakin step up….).

Ultimately it’s in the hands of the Commanding Officer and they tend to listen to medical support personnel. They tend to listen to SNCOs (Staff Non-Commissioned Officers) too. I think I have a very good chance of getting my discharge at this juncture and I’m fairly excited about that. It’s gonna get interesting planning my trip home. Probably take my time a little bit and just enjoy AZ and those of you lucky enough to be in Phoenix will probably get to see me for a bit. Everyone back in the Springs, clear your schedules, guess who might be coming home?

Moral to the story: Expect nothing, prepare for everything because god only knows what’s about to happen next

Quote of the Day:

Men in general judge more by the eyes than by the hands, for everyone can see, but very few have to feel. Everybody sees what you appear to be, few feel what you are, and those few will not dare to oppose themselves to the many … – Niccoló Machiavelli. 1537.